Deklan's Growing!

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The past two months of my life have been absolutely crazy.  I have flown across the county twice, once with Deklan and once without,  Nate spent a week in Texas,  I painted and decorated our bathroom, and have been dealing with the hardest trial I never expected.

In March, Deklan and I flew home to Idaho for a two week visit. We love going home, but the flight is always quit an experience with a toddler on your lap. It is like Sacrament meeting times 4 hours. A few members of my family didn't know I was coming, so when I flew into SLC my nieces, Melia and Lani were there to meet me and had no idea I was coming.  After the shock wore off, they were excited to see Deklan and I. We also got to surprise Grandma B for her birthday.  We planned to have a birthday party for Deklan, Morgan and Grandma B while I was there.

The Elmo cupcakes we made for the birthday party 

Morgan and his family weren't able to make it because there little baby girl made an extra early appearance, but the birthday party was fun and Deklan enjoyed getting to spend time with his cousins.  Little Kenadee decided she was tired of waiting, and made her appearance 8 weeks early, which worked out perfectly, with our trip home. I got to spoil her and spent some time (not enough) holding and snuggling her and her big brother Shade.

Big Brother-Shader bug

Baby Sis-  Kenadee Elizabeth 

Nana gave Deklan his first real hair cut while we were there also.

Cool new spikes! Thanks Nana

  Some of my nieces came to spend the night at Nana and Papa's house, we had too much fun together. We had a mani-pedi party on the kitchen floor, complete with facial masques, a picnic at the park, and wiggle cart races (everyone needs a wiggle cart, they are a blast).

While my mom was working, we went and spent a little time with Grandma Jensen, before she flew out to South Dakota to help take care of Max, Nates's nephew who was having some health issues. We were bummed that we didn't get to spend much time with her, but we were able to spend time with Natalie and her cute boys, and briefly got to see Florecita and her girls.  Natalie was nice enough to take Deklan's one year photo's.  He is such a ham in some of the pics.

Deklan reading with Grandma Jensen

After two fun filled weeks, Deklan and I came back to sunny Florida to be with Nate who we missed horribly.  Just a week after we got home, Nate left for Texas for a week. He got a new assignment at work and is now doing some of the finances for a cattle ranch in Texas and one in Oklahoma as well.  While he was gone, I decided to paint the bathroom and make out quaint little abode a little more homey.  I was pleased with the results and Nate was very surprised when he got home. I didn't tell him I was doing it because we can never agree on a paint color, so I just did it and hoped for the best.  He likes it, I think.

Shortly after life was beginning to settle back in to some sort of normalcy, is when things started to get tough.  Poor little Kenadee, who was only 8 weeks old at the time, was sick.  It started out with a little cough on Saturday, and continued to get worse, very rapidly.  Kenadee spent 2 or 3 days in the hospital in Pocatello before she was flown to Primary Children's Hospital in SLC. Kenadee had contracted Pertussis/ Whooping Cough.  Little Miss Kenadee continued to fight and at some point even made progress. Wednesday evening, Kenadee underwent surgery to help relieve her body of some of the work that it needed to do in order to get better.  Kenadee was strong and continued to fight, but her little body just could do it anymore.  Kenadee returned home to live with Heavenly Father early Thursday morning, while in the arms of her sweet momma, Amber.

I have never felt so ill, angry, lonely, heartbroken and helpless as I did when my sweet husband pulled into the driveway that morning. I knew why he was there.  He had come to deliver this heart breaking news and be with me while I tried to wrap my head around it.  That is a feeling I will never forget.  Little Kenadee took a piece of my heart with her that day.  I longed for home and my family so badly that day, 2,500 miles seemed more like a million. All I wanted to do was be there for Morgan and Amber, even though there was nothing I could do to ease their pain or make things better, I wanted to be there.  I still regret not leaving for Idaho immediately.  It was a hard decision to make, but Nate and I decided it was best if I not take Deklan to Idaho with me, thus the reason I didn't leave sooner.  I flew to Idaho the following Monday and left Nate here with Deklan to be Mr. Mom.

Kenadee's viewing was on Wednesday evening and her funeral on Thursday, May 10th.  The services for Kenadee were absolutely beautiful, she was beautiful and so was the spirit that attended everyone those days.  My mom made Kenadee a beautiful dress, a dress fit for a queen. The services were showered with flowers and little reminders of how special this little girl was.  Amber's dad, gave a beautiful overview of Kenadee's life and then a wonderful friend of the family gave an amazing talk about our purpose here on earth. He gave tons of good advice and helped everyone understand a little better why this happened.  I remember him saying "in order to take the hurt out of death, you would have to take the love out of life".  It is so true, as much as I wanted the pain to be taken away from me and from the rest of those hurting, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity to know and love little Kenadee.

You can't help but know that Kenadee was a special little spirit and how blessed we all have been to have her in our family.  Kenadee was special and she needed a special home to come to on earth, her mom and dad are wonderful people who love her very much. I pains me to watch them hurt, and long to hold their baby again. I hurts me to think that they will not be able to watch her grow and experience the joys of this life with her.  However, it is comforting to know that they will all be reunited some day and that she is waiting for them in the arms of our Savior.

I wish so badly that I could be closer to them and be able to help them when they need it.  I feel strongly that they need friendship and support right now and forever to help them with this trial, but I know that the ultimate comfort will come from the Savior as they seek after him.

Weeks have past since Little Kenadee became an angel, but the pain and sorrow are still very raw. I think about her each and every day.  I have thought a lot about where she is and why she left so soon.  I don't have all the answers to these questions, but I know that HE knows.  Having the knowledge that our Savior knows all things and cares for each of us has brought me comfort.

This experience has changed many things in my life. I hold my husband and my son a little tighter, and I try hard to remember what is really important and how fragile life really is.  I can't wait to see Little Kenadee again, and hope that I will be worthy to be in her presence, as I know she is in the presence of our Heavenly Father.


  1. Oh, she is so tiny and sweet. What a beautiful gown for her. My good friend Catherine was one of her nurses while at Portneuf, and thought for sure she was going to make it, she cried for days after she heard the news, she said little Kenadee had the sweetest family. She truly had a special little spirit.

  2. Morgan and Amber are blessed to have your support and your family's. I'm sure its a pain that never goes away, but hopefully will ease up with loved ones around. I've thought about their little family often since it happened.

  3. My heart aches for you. I know the hurt of a sudden lose. I hope you feel our love from Idaho!
    Beth and Nate

  4. Gosh, that is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to hear of your news. I always remember a quote from the Prophet Joseph Smith in regard to losing a sweet baby and he said something to the effect that they are "too pure - too perfect" to have been here long. I admire your testimony and convictions. I hope you can continue to find peace and that comfort will come to your family in bucket loads!